Which Church Father are you?

I’m sure you were wondering when we’d get around just such a self-help test. By now you’ve figured out the color of your parachute and the season of your wardrobe. It’s time to figure out your place in the early Church. For each question, choose ONE answer that best describes your position.

When you hear the co-worker in the next cubicle utter heresy, you instinctively…
a. take him aside and carefully demonstrate to him that the orthodox position is really the most reasonable.
b. hit him with a mallet and then question his masculinity.
c. guide him verse-by-verse through the Book of Exodus, observing often that the plot is clearly an allegory of your co-worker’s life.
d. suggest that the current troubles in the Holy Land are his fault.

You celebrate your birthday…
a. always on the date you were born.
b. always on the day you were born (e.g., Tuesday).
c. never, because birthdays (like many other things) make you irritable.
d. by debating a pagan.

Your preferred home is…
a. Athens.
b. Jerusalem.
c. a cave.
d. a symbol of heaven, whose historical and geographical position is of relatively little importance.

Your guilty pleasure:
a. Cicero.
b. self-mutilation.
c. wearing a pallium.
d. intractable liturgical conservatism.

You think marriage…
a. is useful for the propagation of future celibates.
b. is primarily an allegory.
c. should be forbidden to widows.
d. bore the brunt of the consequences of Adam’s Fall.

If you could change anything, it would be…
a. everything.
b. Change? What’s change?
c. the emperor’s mind.
d. Augustine, Ambrose, and Rufinus, for starters.
e. Alexandria and Caesarea

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